Daydreams & Daymares (A short very emo-cheesy horror story)

          I was a lonely kid with no friends. I was always left out and ostracized, even though I was not particularly mean or anything, I was just fat but other fat people had friends. I did attempt to talk to my schoolmates and form a connection, but it was like I was marred by something that I could not see but they could. I had no one to hang out with so I just went out with my family. But all of this loneliness and lacking a sense of belonging led to a habit that would prove to be my undoing later on in life. It was daydreaming. Constructing an elaborate and vivid internal life where I felt like I belonged and felt unalienated from people, and where no harm would come to those I held dear.

I would jump into bed and delve deep into my mind’s eye. I’d imagine good things happening to my loved ones and I, a universe where nothing could scathe us and we were happy. I’d also make up scenarios surrounding people in school I wished I could be friends with or close to. I had such fun. Even though I eventually joined a group of fellow outcasts and outsiders, this life in daydreams persisted and ran parallel to my real life. But then my private theater turned upside down. I had lost control, and visions of personal apocalypse plagued my brain; anguish chasing those close to me, threatening to become real. I had lost control, and new people inhabited my mind’s eye, those tormentors of mine, those inner assassins never ceased their bullying and humiliation. 

Brains, dude! they really mess you up sometimes.
Photo by b0red from pixabay

Daydreams turned to daymares. Instead of laughing at funny scenarios, I’d be saddened and angered by imaginary pain and imaginary events. My imaginary suffering affects my psyche as much as my real-life suffering. I imagine what the future holds for those I cherish and what it holds for me and I get scared. I don’t want them to be in pain. I don’t want to be in pain. I hope these things I imagine never happen; I try to be optimistic but I can’t get my head to function that way. I am being suffocated by my own brain. If only there were a button that would make things sweet and easy for everyone on the planet. 

You might say “but it’s all in your head, why don’t you face the troubles when they actually happen instead of living in fear of bleak scenarios that might not happen? maybe everything will be okay! some people have it much worse than you and have had much more difficult lives". I understand that and I wish I could change, but I cannot. I want to wish it all away. Till then, you’ll find me darkly dreaming. Lost in malignant reveries. Lost in a private theater of damnation with no exit doors. Feeling miserable in two worlds. Am I aware that I am narcissistically wallowing in self-pity? Yes. Who cares?